The topic seemed so horrible. A very horrible thing to say and written.
For the record, i've been confined in my room for 1 month straight. Without any books to read or do any academical stuff. I simply quit. I waited in my adequately large pink-walled room. I was wide awake at night but slept in day bright. I woke up to bath,eat and drink. When i gaze at my books, i simply emptied my mind, not wanting to feel any guilt or anxiety. Yes, that is all i do all these while.
I tried not to feel.
I tried really hard not to think.
Although i know that Ghandi did said the key to win the fight is not to fight. Not thinking is same as not fighting.
I guessed that i managed to do that. But, the more i try harder, the more it came. The feeling of incompetency and inferiority towards my own impossible standards. Who wants a second rate doctor rite? I HAD to set my target higher. I HAD to be the best. I had to. I need to. But, the problem is, i never want it. All i want is to feel enough.Yup, enough is enough. Why not be a moderate?Wanting something moderate for my self? Modesty is the the best policy is what all they say.
I may have been deluded for being stuck in here doing the same routine everyday. Routine i had not much interest in . I need something. Passion. I want to live with enthusiasm. I want to be a person who loves their work and get rewarded for that. I know, in this world, not everybody are lucky. Not everyone can do jobs they love. Some people love their jobs, others just do it for the sake of supporting living expenses. Gregory House always say you can`t always get what you want. In Quran also mentioned that we may hate things that could be good for us and we may love something that could be bad for us. I always knew those. But , right now... i barely take it into my heart.
People say that life is priceless. That chances are to be taken. That all opportunities in the world should be grasped. I had that chance. So, what do i do with it? I've taken the chance. I had it in my hands. but, now it is slipping off my hands.........
I figured that if i am not suitable for this job, i should just quit from now. Before things gets nastier and uglier. Before its too late. I want to stop now. Take me home. Let me live my life as i want to . I want to live a simple life with peace and no unnecessary pressure from outside or inside myself. I just want to do what i like.
Then again, Gregory House whispered : Hey crazy lady! *YOU CAN`T ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU WANT...*
Then again, although future might be seemed to be so bleak and hopeless... Please know that even though you don't think that you have what it takes to become a DOCTOR, know that there are people working their ass off just to become a MEDICAL STUDENT. Know that even though you think you don't deserve to be here, to have this kind of luxurious opportunity, know that if you don't hold it firmly in your hands others might take your place.That you are the chosen one, chosen by people to serve the people of the nation.
When you want to reminisce old the good and the bad times, all the bloodysweatytears,all the efforts you took to gain what you want, all the sacrifices you have done to get where you are, all the people who cared and cheriss your talent and persona, all the dreams and wishes you once carved deeply into you heart, all the pains and sorrows that brings you strength to cross the hurdles, all the bittersweet memories that inspired you to continue your journey and see the wide vast world on your own capabilities, all of that.
Remember, that everything is in order.
Be good, you're good.
Be calm, you're at peace.
Be angry, you're mad.
Be humorous, you're funny.
Be sensible, you're sensitive.
Be pathetic, you're sad.
Be bold, you're strong.
Its YOU that make it happen.
You decide your destiny.
Future is in your hands 98% of it.
Only 2% luck and fate MAY change the course of your life.
Event if it does change, YOU have the WILL to change it back to square one...
And that's why humans are gifted by God what we call as COURAGE.
It is the strong will of humans to overcome FEAR so that humans without BRAVERY can go forward not backward.
p/s: Finish your journey no matter what happens.